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A Ramble about feels

This is a note that I’d sent to Arianna in September of 2019 just before we broke up. This elucidates several issues and insecurities that she later used against me because she’s a manipulative piece of shit.

I’m now apprehensive about bringing up things based on the way our conversation went after VidCon. Never the less, I have to look out for my own psychological wellbeing and it’s not fair for me to avoid communicating. 

Standard Disclaimer here

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I’m not leaving you. I’m not going anywhere. I feel it’s important for you to know where my head is with regard to certain things and everything I say is in the spirit of love, sharing, and openness.

Me and my insecurities and uncertainty

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Before VidCon I felt like I knew where I stood and who I was to you. All of that was thrown out the window when things went down the way they did over the course of several days. It wasn’t one thing it was a bunch of things piled up one after the other.

Before VidCon, I knew absolutely that you were a lesbian who was not attracted to men, at all. After VidCon, I felt like you’re a lesbian who’s just not attracted to me

Before VidCon, I felt like I was the one guy who you trusted and that we could share any and everything. After VidCon, I felt like there were things kept from me and that I hadn’t been as trusted or as special as I once thought.

Before VidCon, I’d hoped (but never expected) that we would be able to explore sexuality and being sexual without having sex. I get that you’re a lesbian and I never expected you to be into me, physically. At the same time, women have vibrators and they’re not into metal and plastic. I brought up the topic three specific times and you seemed uncomfortable with it so I dropped it. As much as I love giving pleasure, it’s not a deal breaker for me. After VidCon, part of the betrayal I felt was due to my perception that you were willing to explore sexuality with a man and that man wasn’t me. Suddenly it wasn’t “oh she’s a lesbian and I’m the special guy who’s still not a girl” it was “oh.. I get it, I’m the punk/chump and she’s just into different types of men”

Before VidCon, I felt like we could be physically affectionate and that it was just a slow process because we don’t get to see each other that often. After VidCon, I realized that you’re just not comfortable being physically affectionate with me because I’m male.

Before VidCon, I thought you were proud to be in the relationship we’d built together. After VidCon, I felt like you were ashamed to admit that you had a boyfriend.

Side note: This was compounded later by your comments about you not being in a “real relationship” since Victoria. I get it, I’m not a chick. I don’t like feeling that I’m just a place holder until you find what you really want.

There’s more but I’m not trying to list every single thing. Also, it’s important to understand that I’m talking about how things FEEL/FELT to me. I understand that reality is frequently different from ones perception and further that one can FEEL one way about something in the moment but understand that the momentary feeling is not the totality of the situation.

Also, I’m not asking for you to change anything. I’m JUST taking about how I feel.

Because of the recent upheaval, I’ve been trying to figure out where I sit. We had a huge emotionally draining conversation and then I stopped hearing from you and wasn’t able to talk to you and I’m left drifting. You mentioned needing to take a break (from social media) and I respect that. I stopped calling you. We message occasionally and I’m trying not to be needy but I’m feeling super insecure.

You talked to Jelly after all the BS she pulled and I’m thinking “why can she talk to Jelly during this ‘break’ but not me?”. It’s not like I actually care but my insecurities start taking over. 

Same thing with Dillon being at your place. I look at the comments in your stream and think “yeah.. no one knows that I’m her BF and they think this guy (who looks more like Dino than he looks like me) is her boyfriend”. Worse, I’m thinking “soooo she sends out multiple snaps with her and Dillon together but never sent one with the two of us.” Again, I don’t REALLY care but my insecurity starts going all over the place with this like that. I feel like a dick for not just being happy that Damien has a friend he’s comfortable with but in the back of my head I feel like the breakthrough we had before I left was usurped by this new thing with Dillon and that hurts. It shouldn’t and I should get over myself but the FEELINGS are that. Also, I didn’t know who Dillon was or even that he’d be staying with you. As a partner I try to let you know about all of the major things going on in my life and I feel like I don’t get the same in return.

The reasons I can’t spend much time in your live stream(s)

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  1. It’s hard not being able to call you and talk about life-partner stuff and then try to compete for your attention with everyone else. It’s shitty when you’re sober and maddening when you’re drunk. Today, for example, I waited for you to end your live so that we could talk about the Chucky Doll and it never happened because you were drunk and didn’t know what you were saying or doing.
  2. It’s demeaning to be your boyfriend and listen to you go on about “…I’m a lesbian…you don’t have anything that can satisfy me….” or “…no no because you have that silly ridiculous thing called a penis…”. I get that it’s your way of rebuffing unwanted advances from men. It would be nice if I didn’t have to be emasculated at the same time.
  3. I’m broken. I don’t know if you realize how many times you say “that’s (so hot” to guys when you battle them or when they’re in your box. It used to never bother me. Now it triggers severe anxiety
  4. The person you are when you’re drunk. I just can’t watch that anymore. It used to be a rarity and now it’s the norm. It would be one thing if you took responsibility for the things you do and say but several times you’ve been like “I was drunk… I don’t know” or “noooo I didn’t say that… did I?”
  5. I don’t know where I fit in anymore.

Wrapping up

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Much of the above is on me to figure out. I don’t want you to feel like I’m asking for anything from you other than understanding. I know that you love me. Knowing alone doesn’t keep me from feeling certain ways at certain times.

What is it that you want?

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When I got into this relationship with you I knew that things would be challenging. There’s the distance; The schedules we have to honor and work with (your son’s, my wife’s, etc); our politics; the emotional baggage that we each bring.

I didn’t start a fake relationship with you. I love you and I’m committed to you. What I want out of our relationship is love, physical (non-sexual) and emotional affection, duty (meaning my duty to you… a sense of knowing what I can do for you), honor (honoring each other as partners in life), respect ( I wouldn’t allow someone to disrespect you; I would hope you’d not let someone disrespect me), and a long future that we plan and build together.

I don’t know what you want out of our relationship. 

Side notes:

  1. on respect: I say “I would hope…” because you seem to be completely dismissive of the issues of (dis)respect that occur between men. When I mentioned the thing about me supporting Dino (by gifting, and promoting his streams, and talking to him about working out together) you asked when I was doing all that as if the timeframe was relevant to the issue of disrespect. I knew of Dino in Feb and was trying to support him through May when he disappeared. That’s only four months. It doesn’t matter when within the four months you two started having your sexual conversations. What matters, for me, is that I supported your “friend” and that “friend” disrespected our relationship. I don’t care whether he did it in March or May. His conduct was disrespectful to our relationship and I will forever have an issue with him as a result. I don’t expect you to really get it but the way you dismissed it was disconcerting. I’m telling you that there as an issue of respect that’s important to me and you poo-poo’d it. If you don’t understand it, I would hope you’d have enough respect for me and my calm and rational demeanor to understand that there is a real issue there even if you can’t SEE the issue yourself. Similarly, Jelly was disrespectful to me (as an individual) and to us as a couple and as friends who extended several courtesies to her. I’m baffled as to why you continued to speak to her given that she had disrespected you partner and made no attempts to make amends. If someone disrespects you once, they are out of my life period. If they want to apologize and you accept it, cool. If not, they can GTFO. That’s the type of honor and respect I have for you.
  2. You’ve rewritten the history of us becoming an item. The last time it came up you said “…when you asked, I was like well yeah we’re basically already like boyfriend and girlfriend…”. For the record: You, in your live stream told me that I was now your boyfriend. I said “don’t play, you know I already love you.” You said “no I’m serious, tell Waterbear that you’re my boyfriend”. To which I replied “ok, if you’re serious, send me your address and I’ll get you a now-we’re-dating gift”. That’s when you sent me your mother’s address in Encinitas and that’s when I ordered the flowers. I wanted to follow up with you when we met in person to talk about expectations and it was important for me to let you know that 1) I respected your boundaries and who you were as a person and 2) that I’m not interested in casual/disposable relationships. I’m in this for the long haul as a dedicated partner.
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